I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
