god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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