My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
