The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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