promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
