your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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