Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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