haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
