You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
