you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
