Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
