I wish my penis had an off switch
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
