I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
