i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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