Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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