I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
zippers are such a cool invention
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
