I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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