I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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