wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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