Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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