things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
