I've blown a few things in my day
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
