My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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