I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
