you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
