I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
