Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They took my balls.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
