so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
