I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
