Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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