I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
