Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
