The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
