she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
