of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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