she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
