I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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