If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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