Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
