Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
