I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
