I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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