So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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