I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
