he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
There are leaves in my underwear?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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