I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
sex in a hospital.. check
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
