got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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