I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
