She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
