I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
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Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
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Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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