His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
