i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
