I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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