I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
