hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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