a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
