She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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